Treatment of Self

Learning to heal is learning to improve and augment yourself. It doesn't necessarily mean you perfect yourself as some of the better healers I know are flawed as individuals. They are only powerful in their healing element.

These people that I speak of are not trained healers one and all. Some are individuals who never had any basic training or exposure whatsoever. I've learned to identify their healing presence as I'm progressing along this path. Some I haven't even seen in years but I still could put the puzzle pieces together.

What I notice is that with some healers, the more powerful their healing presence the more flawed their character is. The flaws may not be obvious but when I'm actually listening and watching I see them. Maybe it is the flaws that allow these people to develop healing skills whether they realise it or not. Healing the self for a long long while and later starting to heal people around them.

One of my own flaws is that I shift between a contemplative thinking state into a dynamic action oriented but unthinking state. Well, medical psychology calls it a bipolar disorder. I'm trying to apply the latest learning I acquired. Try to establish a stable third state between the two polars. I've managed to establish a platform after all this while but it does have the tendency to fold on itself and when that happens I just drop or shoot up. More of the latter as I seem to operate at a high frequency nowadays. Well, there's also some info on that particular issue.

Am taking time off this weekend. Meet a few old friends and talk to them. No business at all just plain simple talking. I even decided to mail some business related slides later to one of them rather than bringing it with me.

Oh well, slight technical issues again over here. The SE Asia - US link problem is becoming a drag...

Steinburner

I don't know where I got that name. I think from The simpsons or something.
Anyway been trying my best to deepen my knowledge on EFT, that's Emotional Freedom Technique for anyone wondering.

Need some more ideas to get a breakthrough on some of my tougher issues. There's also the fact that my clients seem to keep coming up with more complicated and deeper issues every session. Well I do have the option of going to any of the other EFT practitioners in Malaysia and getting a few sessions done to clear up my tougher blocks. I'll keep that in mind because I really hate running around in in circles.

Well, a free weekend this time. In fact it's been a slow year so far. It does mean I don't earn anything but it also means I've time to relax and indulge in my hobbies. Thankfully I have the habit of keeping some money in a spare account especially when I get some bonuses so am not exactly strapped for cash right now. In fact I splurged on a few things this month and I even got my car fixed up a bit. So I'm doing okay money-wise.

Am trying to clear my older blocks right now because I know some of them involve my aversion to any static form and structure. It's really difficult planning anything much less sustain a regular EFT practice when I actually start everyday with more ideas in my mind. Though it's nice having a ceaseless mind working to improve my what I already planned out it's actually very taxing because the actual work and maintainance of my plans are lacking. I work odd hours now and only take clients through appointments.

Well, that reminds me to lay out plans for this one particular idea. Plans that I will implement as soon as they're laid out properly. Not complete, just laid out. I'm trying an offset parallel plan + action this time. 20% lead in planning to make sure I'm on top of my ideas and not the other way round.

Coded

I really am tired really. Very very tired and I can't even rest well. So I'm using more and more of my reserves without being able to replenish them. This lasted a few years last time... I think 3 years. Then I just ran out of willpower. Still haven't got what I have last time. My will.

Well, no one I know would guess that I actually changed in the sense of will. That's because I seem as "can't be bothered about anything" as I ever was. There is a lot of difference to me though. I don't exert my will by being pushy and demand things. I usually keep quiet and end up getting my life where I want it to be. When I'm pushy that means I'm frustrated. I can't get things done even after so much effort and it just drives me crazy.

I'm trying to collect myself though. Want to rest actually. Really rest.. Want to regain my quiet will. Then I won't need to be frustrated anymore. I would be able to do things quietly as I very much prefer.

Torment

A journey to find one's own self. Even one's own name is forgotten. Each word heard, each action taken are new and a mirror of the past. The past selves, each seemingly his own self, each seemingly with his own aim. Each one left a mark. Mark of greatest good to the greatest madness one could imagine. All leaving a scar behind.

To learn the story behind the scars. To understand what is my own being. To find my own path among the many facets of self that has used this body and mind. What may I learn and what may I become. What are my limits and what are my powers. What have I done and what will be my future.

What is my name?

-The Nameless One-

Tail end

Checked out my mom's blog and I read noticed the link to my blog on the side panel. It says Hilmi Tail End. Sounded a bit weird and to me it stood out amongst the links my mom put up. The other family links either had a name and something that sounds like a musing or it had a simple description. Actually mine read like a description though it seemed like a strange one.

I actually chose Tail End as my blog title on a whim. There's this cat tail picture which someone snapped and I took a liking to it. Ended up putting tail end just coz I decided to put the tail pic on my profile. It was that simple.

After seeing the link in my mom's blog I started thinking. It just fits. I was at a point of my life that I believed to be critical. The end point where I don't have anywhere to turn to anymore. So I chose the right name back then.

I'm gripping my life by the end of it's tail again right now. Actually I slipped and let go for a while but having cute furry little kitties that are so playful and loving helps coz the kitties love being petted and letting me grip it's tail is part of the play. That didn't make sense even to me so I leave it at that.

Adieu and ja ne~~ See my tail again tomorrow morning.

Perfection

Sometimes a desire for perfection can be misinterpreted as criticism

Bloggie... 2007??? Time?

Time is subjective. As far as I'm concerned a year is nothing. It's just one way we try to mold time to our minds. Will is more important than time. Understand? No?

Put it this way. Everything's already there. Then we start from what we call the beginning and have this restriction in our mind that forces us to experience our existence in a linear way, experiencing what we call the passing of time. What makes this life not something pointless if everything is already pre-set?

Will. We've been given this specialty to change our existence. We are either stuck living out our lives through time as is already set or we actually live through every moment learning from the mistakes we make and going into ourselves and changing the truth of our own being.

What about our consciousness that allows us to think and be better than animals? Well. It matters little. Without changing the truth that we're living we would think within the constraints of our set lives and end up living a linear life till the picture is over. In other words we follow our scripts exactly. No changes nor any real choices.

I would say that people who use their will are artists. Hackers, modders, whatever you want to call them because they seek to change. A strong will and you can change most parts of your life except static things like your parents, family, race and such. An average will help you direct your life and bend the picture certain ways. Ways that make you more comfortable in life. More successful if you wish or more happy or more enlightened.

So with this I'm actually posting in 2007 when just yesterday night I considered blogging a waste of my time. This is just a wall I write on and as such I'll write whatever I wish to write.

Here's to 2007 and may The Creator bless me in my efforts involving exercising my will. As all in life actually conforms to His will.

Itchy & Scratchy

No, not the kiddy cartoon in The Simpson's. I'm scrathing away like crazy coz i've some sort of skin infection. Not nice really. Really really bad itch. Aaaaaaaaaaaaa~~~~ I'll continue later. It just got crazier...

Si Tenggang

Actually I've an almost hobby. Finding out about the Malay culture in different countries and comparing the similiarities and differences. It's an almost hobby because I never do it seriously and just ask anyone I could lots of questions without actually making notes. So far I've spoken to Malays from Indonesia, the Philippines and Brunei. I forget most of the things I learn and am not even sure of the ones I remember so it's actually quite sad.
Anyway here's a reference to the Malaysian folktale 'Si Tenggang' in one of the blogs I read. I find it intriguing. This is one example why I like to find out about the Malay culture in different places.

The Si Tenggang Tale

64 bit

Oh Hana. Gomen-ne if you read this. It's just a bunch of nonsense I guess :D

I've gone open source completely for now. Only booted my windows once last week and once this not counting booting only to delete files still in my NTFS partition (no NTFS delete support yet in Linux). Anyways am using a 64 bit OS and it does improve a bit on the compiling speed if not on anything else. Been busy learning the intricacies of simple compiling. It's simple but there are quite a few things to learn when your system isn't the standard setup and a 64 bit system is not standard. Some essential softwares run only in 32 bit. The best example would be flash. No 64 bit support so I'm using a 32 bit firefox coupled with a beta flash 9 for linux installation. Oh I failed at installing that in any manual way so I got meself a pre-compiled package :) Prefer to build myself actually because I find that it's much more satisfying. Next thing I want to do is learn to create packages so that I can manage the installations better. Keeping source files on disk is bad for my free space...

Hmm... also plan on building a website. Am quite bad at adopting PHP-Nuke. Will search a bit. Read and practice on PHP-Nuke and also search for some other alternatives. I misplaced my link for PHP-Nuke modules so I'm going to search for that first. Basic editing is the max I'd go for now. Re-writing modules or any other thing from scratch takes up too much reading as of now and I don't want to devote too much time on that. I've enough doing making a stable system right now.

Okie dokie. Some more learning to do. Adios~

edit: I actually detest using windows for normal everyday things now as it's very very very slow. I guess using a derivative of Slackware exaggerates the speed advantage Linux has over windows. A no-frills distro. Won't be trying anything else unless I run into a brick wall which I don't think would happen anytime soon. Thank you to my bro in-law for introducing me to Slack.

Bipolar

Well, rather than responding to hana's comment I'll just make a new post.

You want to know something. A bipolar disorder is not about feelings so you can't say "try not to layan sangat the feelings" or in english, don't brood. In medical science memang the only way is medication but alternative therapy like EFT and energy medicine can help. Solat and zikir helps too. It's not "feelings". It's not "thoughts". It's not simply brooding till you feel bad. You're feeling something without reason. You're feeling bad without reason. You're feeling happy or overjoyed at ridiculuous times and even over very very sad things. You're hyper for hours and suddenly turn blank and senseless like you got dipped in ice cold water.

Through energy methods I've learned you have blocks in your energy system, making the flow sluggish or even stop. Through EFT I've learned that it could even be that your energy system is reversed completely. The blockage coulbd be from your past experiences, memory, even cellular memory which is genetics and unexplainable inherited traits.

How do you overcome it? Not through faking it. You just smile and say "Oh i'm okay", "Nothing's wrong", "All's well that ends well". Do that and you'll get a very nice example of a classical Malay word that's been adopted by the English language. Amuk! You would literally run amok when it exceeds your limits. It's a malay word for sure and it's first observed here because we're taught to always not show our feelings to be polite. Not to express our thoughts and opinions as we should "listen to our betters", orang tua makan garam dulu yea?

So I would advise you to process your feelings. Look and see why you feel bad. What makes you feel bad. If you don't know why, if you're sure it's a manifestation of the darker side of your mind, then you need to process it through more fantastic methods. Energy work mostly works better than any other tried method. Breathing exercises focuses the mind when no focus could be found. A shower, a bath. Reduce the anxiety and anger level. Then process it through energy work. EFT works best for me. What is EFT? I'll explain later if I feel the urge to do so.

Okay, basic for those without any background in energy work. Zikr (that is chant) while thinking on the problem and thinking that "I'm still okay even if I don't know how to settle it". Don't think of a solution. Just think that you have the problem but you're still okay. You forgive yourself for having the problem. Rub the sides of your eyes, where you rub when you have a headache. Press both point of your eyebrows nearest your nose. Rub below your nose, above your lips. Clap your chest, make sure your hand touches your collarbone while doing it. And and with du'a, pray.

Okay that works to reduce unexplained thoughts and feelings. Try it and it would help.

Selamat Hari Raya~~~

Selamat Hari Raya to all here in Malaysia. Tomorrow's raya. For those in other places like my lil' sis in India, Selamat Hari Raya!! Your last raya abroad yea Hana. Take care okay and we all love you Hana

Rythm

Hmm... Rythm. My niece loves when you play with her singing baby tunes and hearing zikr and nasyid. She'd bounce up and down and try to sing along sometimes =) Oh this is mostly "aaa aaaa aaaa", shrieks and shouts. Well she's only 8 months plus so what do you expect :)
Anyways I'm sort of in a good rythm nowadays. Still have problem sleeping at night but am better at waking up now. By better I mean actually waking up before 11 o'clock. Most days I even wake up before 10 now. Oh it's nothing big but still an improvement.
Been thinking of polarities. I've ignored my bipolar disorder for a couple of years now but I do notice that it's still very much present. Muted most of the time but there nonetheless. I'm focusing most of my self-EFT sessions on that particular issue then. It's something that gets in my way and I'd be happy to resolve this disturbing duality..

Waaah

It's Aliveee! ~ Said Jim Carrey's style in Ace Ventura
Streamyx is online again. I just called at 3 something today and got a line almost 6 in the evening. Oh they said it's a problem statewide, as in the whole of Melaka and I've to just wait till I get a line. Huh, really that's tech support to you. But I'm thankful I got a line no matter how slow it is... It is much slower than usual actually.

Where is Jaring's broadband?? Launched in Klang Valley with supposed nationwide coverage coming soon..... I've yet to see any sign of it. Am going to Jaring's Anjung something next week and ask them when they'll offer broadband in Melaka.

Ah.... A Quiz

Just typed mah name into this. Interesting result huh
As noted by a mummy though not The Mummy that can curse people, it's not 'a' but 'an'. That teaches you to actually read copied codes before posting hehe.

How to make an Ahmad Hilmi

Ingredients: 1 part success 1 part silliness 3 parts empathy

Method: Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add curiosity to taste! Do not overindulge!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Demi Waktu

Slept less than 3 hours today. Got on my bed about 12. Woke up 20 mins before 3. Couldn't get back to sleep. Like I had a few injections of stimulants. Anyway the going to bed at 12 part..... I actually tossed and turned for god knows how long before sleep came.

Watched House season 3 episodes 1 and 2. Really like this series. Dr House is as close to an idol as can be for me. He's fictional though so it doesn't count I guess :D Doesn't mean I would go around treating people like he does though however tempting it might be at times... Just his fictional grasp of matters and situations intrigues me. Instinct.

My auntie came the other day and she said something that rings true for me. I won't quote verbatim because that's not something that I do well. We were talking and she said that instinct is the result of massive amounts of knowledge gathered. Your subconcious would make the connections for you and you'd feel a hunch. The keyword is massive amounts of knowledge. Umm... the keywords. You'd get instinct through learning and experience. Learning without any experience won't gain you the hunches..

By the way we were talking about mismanagement of a certain company by external powers that have greater say over the company's decisions than the thinkers in the company. She said if certain criteria were met there would be a massive exodus of mid level execs from the company which would cripple it given the fact that the almost all the top execs are retiring in one or two years.

Okay. Subuh already. 5.54. Well... it's good practice for Ramadhan. 3 is too early for sahur though... Massive amounts of time for tahajjud and all :D

Life....

Why do people want to be special? Aren't we all different no matter how much we seem the same on the outside? The cliques... the clans... soulmates... Aren't these a celebration of each individual's uniqueness blended into a group awareness?
I believe it's a matter of what we do with what we have. I cherish my life and my oddities... my stangeness and my alienation... my differences and my quirks.

To life... and all the secrets we are to find in it

Demam

Just baik demam. Wah really bad this time. Haven't had a fever or anything for a long long while. Just a case od the sniffles once in a while. Hmm... good thing is I got it for only 2 days. Quick recovery~

Anyways wondering what I'll do to clean up my room. Everytime I started it gets messier....

Therapist?

I'm a therapist? An almost psychologist. Counselor most like. Huh.. weirdness... I planned on 1 1/2 more years doing masters.. Right now am just a simple therapist. Am learning with each case. Still a below average therapist and the expressions I get at the end of a session would usually be a mix of beilderment and ease.. I couldn't get them to be completely calm and collected at closing. Not yet anyway. I do my best to tie the ends a bit before letting them out of the room but only so much I can do with this much experience. Most seem a bit relieved I'd say but I'm not satisfied.

Ok back to trying to be something more than I am now.

What Sign Should I Be

You Should Be A Cancer

What's good about you: you're incredibly kind, caring, and generous What's bad about you: you can be too moody and impossible to understand In love: you enjoy wining and dining the object of your affection In friendship, you're: likely to depend on other friends for emotional support Your ideal job: historian, marine biologist, or religious figure Your sense of fashion: you dress to match your mood You like to pig out on: classic home cooked meals, like mac and cheese

What Sign Should You Be?